Goldilocks and the Animal Control Officer

Yeah, I have no idea how Goldilocks is supposed to end. Or begin, for that matter. Mags always wants a story before bed, which is great. Unfortunately for her I’m usually nursing Lily during the bedtime festivities which makes it difficult to hold a book. Therefore, we’ve resorted to me just telling her stories.


For someone who considers myself pretty creative, I really stink at making up stories. So I decided to tell her fairy tales. And that’s when I realized that I’m seriously lacking in the finer points of the details of these stories.


For example, Goldilocks, which is Mags’ favorite, has gone through several renditions. We’re pretty solid on the main parts of the story (porridge, chairs, beds, blah, blah, blah) but the ending is rough. Honestly, what kind of closure are you supposed to get about a little girl trespassing and stealing from a family of bears?? And what lesson is it supposed to teach? It’s really beyond me, so we just flub it.


The ending usually goes something to the effect of Goldilocks waking up when the bears find her, she screams, they scream, she runs away. Sometimes I have her apologizing and helping to clean up for good measure, but I’m fairly certain that’s not in the original.


Most of the time we go all George Bluth on it and use it as a teaching opportunity,

“…and that’s why you always eat your breakfast.”

“…and that’s why you always wait to be invited in to someone’s house.”

“…and that’s why you never touch things that aren’t yours.”

“…and that’s why you always leave a note!”


And then there was the time that Vin had the bears going to Goldilocks‘ house, necessitating a call to the game warden…it didn’t end well for the bears, I’m afraid. Gosh, I love that man.


According to Wikipedia – former students need not comment my use of this source – the original story featured, instead of a little girl, an old lady who deserved a stint in jail. The article does say the following about the many revisions of the tale,

“Goldilocks’s fate varies in the many retellings: in some versions, she runs into the forest, in some she is almost eaten by the bears but her mother rescues her, in some she vows to be a good child, and in some she returns home.”


So, there you have it. Apparently every other mom in the history of the world has had this same problem. I’m glad I’m in good company!


Now, I’m going to go wreak havoc on Cinderella.

2 thoughts on “Goldilocks and the Animal Control Officer

  1. Oh, and I think Dad always had the third little pig, after being given the whole “huff and puff” shpiel, saying “go ahead. Knock your lights out.” and goldilocks getting arrested for breaking and entering, so you guys are in good company.

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