Apocalypse Survival Guide

I’m not sure if you know this or not, but the world is going to end soon. I forget when, exactly, but I’m pretty sure it’s like next month or somesuch.


Now, there are many differing opinions as to how this jazz is all going to go down. Some people prefer to believe the Mayans while others take the zombie route. My husband works with a doomsday prepper (yes, really) who vehemently defends the position that an alien race called the Zetas will soon be coming to decide which of us are ready to move on to another “awesome” planet and who won’t. The losers who don’t make the cut get sent to the work planet, presumably to sweat and toil for their alien overlords. Sounds a lot like seventh grade gym, but that’s just me.


I, personally like to believe the zombie apocalypse theorists because it’s sexier. (What does that even mean?) Now, in the event of a zombie apocalypse – or any kind of apocalypse, really – I want to have a plan. And I want to model that plan after somebody who is 100 % successful a problem solving. And I know just the guy…


I’m not sure if you’ve seen his reality show on Disney Junior, but let me just tell you that crazy stuff is always going down at the clubhouse and Mickey gets biz done. That mouse in unfazed in times of trouble and that’s mainly because he always has a few important tools in his back pocket in the event of emergency.

Clearly these are items that would be incredibly useful in protecting oneself from asteroids, zombies, or alien overlords. Let’s explore said tools, shall we?

The first such tool is a baby elephant. A baby elephant will come in handy if you need to reach something high (a baby giraffe would work in this case, too) or if you need to spray errant zombies with water. The baby elephant is also very useful for balancing giant scales, should the need arise. And it will, oh yes, it will.

The next thing you’ll need to keep on your person is a giant marshmallow. If you’re being chased across rooftops by zombie hordes, you just put the giant marshmallow at the bottom of the building and it will cushion your fall, allowing you to jump off of the building without causing harm to your body. If the marshmallow isn’t your style, you can always go with the giant slide option, but I don’t think it’s got as much flair. A giant candy cane has also been known to work in this instance.

And so festive, too!

Now, should you decide that you want to catch a zombie for closer inspection you just need to use your butterfly net. Butterfly nets are pretty much capable of catching anything. You might also consider employing a baby monkey, but unless you’ve treed your zombie, that won’t really do you much good.

Here are a few other zombie fighting items you’ll want to keep on you:

  • Gooey Fish – It’s a common misconception that zombies like brains, but what they really like are the biggest gooey fish in Mickey Lake, which are located under buoy number five, just so’s you know.
  • Bouncy shoes or a pogo stick – For obvious reasons
  • Magic jumping beans – Feed ’em to the zombies…the beans make their tummies jump and then they can’t chase you. Problem. Solved.


I hope I’ve given you enough information to take charge of your family’s destiny once the end times come. I feel pretty confident that, given the usefulness and easy attainability of the aforementioned tools, you’ll be able to sleep the sweet, sweet sleep of prepared bliss.


You are welcome.

6 thoughts on “Apocalypse Survival Guide

  1. Granny

    I loved it! I know I am going into town to get BIG marshmallows because I don’t want to hurt myself, and I sure don’t want to go through anything that remotely resembles 7th grade gym! If zombies love brains, it will be a short invasion; I’m thinking there seems to be a real shortage of those things – if you judge by the last election anyway!

  2. Katy

    The most frightening thing about the Zetas is that their emissary is named Nancy. You know they mean business when they pick someone named Nancy….

  3. Pingback: Best Laughs of the Week (Says Me) « Atlantamomofthree

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