If you do not, at this exact moment, own a toy capable of creating a “fanfare” noise on demand, then I must insist that you rush out to the nearest purveyor of princess castles and their clip-clop pony stable counterparts and purchase one immediately.


A fanfare noise brings the height of elegance to the most mundane of tasks.


Putting away a pellet gun? Simply arrange for the castle and/or pony stable to be artfully placed underfoot. This requires the studied eye of an expert interior designer…or a two year old. Same thing, really. Once you tread upon the fine purple plastic of the toy and set off that fanfare noise…Be still, my heart! Trumpets herald your triumphant shoves as you slam the pellet gun into the closet! Why, even your incoherent muttering sounds more festive when backed by the bright tones of mechanical coronets.


“Why the hell do we still have this damn gun out anyway? He shot that groundhog with it last year… grumble, grumble, grouse, grouse.”


Now imagine that with trumpets. And little birds carrying ribbons. And tiny mice throwing flower petals.* Classy, right?? 


The fanfare noise works so well that I employ it on all occasions. An extra smelly poopy diaper warrants the noise, as does pulling dried spaghetti noodles out of the dog’s fur. Classy and classier. I especially like to play the trumpet fanfare when truly grand events take place. You know, like when I take a shower. The other day I celebrated my Golden Jubilee, on which I commemorated that one time that I showered and shaved my legs. There was most certainly a fanfare for that. The baby added to the festivities with his signature party move. Now I don’t want to give away any of his trade secrets, but I can tell you that it involved Cheerio confetti. Move over, David Tutera. Move. Over.





*These features appear on the box of the princess castle and clip-clop pony stables, but unfortunately do not manifest themselves tangibly in real life. Your imagination will have to fill in the gaps here. Depriving yourself of sleep for approximately four years ought to do the trick.)



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