Fashion Blogger Strikes Again

Well, I had not planned to write a blog post today, but sometimes life hands you a golden opportunity and you just can’t not share about it.

Mine came this morning in the form of this hair.

Y’all. Can we appreciate the fact that this hair is just next level amazing? I’ve already previously established that I am a fashion blogger and this is why. It’s because I wake up like this without any effort at all.

So this look is phenomenal, especially since the one thing I had to get done today was to renew my driver’s license. Obv, when I looked in the mirror at 7 AM this morning, I knew the day was shaping up to be a good ‘un.

So I hustled like crazy, tamed the hair, and got myself to the DMV bright and early before they opened so I could get in line behind all the senior citizens who are smarter than I am because they brought their own chairs. I had super low expectations for the whole thing because I had to get one of those certified licenses that’s next level you-can-get-on-an-airplane-please-enjoy-your-complimentary-bag-of-covid license and I had to bring a ton of proof that I am, in fact, myself.

Gracious, that was a lot of work trying to round up all of the paperwork to prove that I am who I say I am, but I was so thrilled because I got through the DMV outdoor screening and made it inside with all the right stuff and it went off without a hitch. Like, they didn’t question any of my documents, except my bank statement mail and that’s just probably because few people have that little in their bank account. It’s a real old account that only has $5 in it and I don’t know why I haven’t closed it yet, but it had my name on it and not my husband’s, so it counted as real mail and proved my identity, so holla atcha old account.

Anyway, the whole thing was seamless. The employees were so kind and friendly, it was super clean, every single person was wearing a mask and not being an asshole about it…all in all a delightful way to spend a morning! (And that is a commentary on our current situation.)

So I get to the part where I take the picture and I’m already laughing over how bad my hair was this morning and how funny it would’ve been if I had just showed up at the DMV looking like Bellatrix Lestrange ready to renew her broom license and it was all so humorous.

So I go to take the picture and was asked to keep my glasses on since I use them to drive. Cool. No problem. Next I’m asked to tilt my chin down, “just a millimeter or two,” just to reduce the glare on my glasses. Also, don’t smile because we need you to look like what you’re going to look like when you get pulled over. So I tilt my chin and there’s a glare. We repeat the entire process a couple of times, each time increasing the chin tilt until we end up with this gem.

Y’all. There aren’t words. The level of disgust that this photo encompasses is just astronomical. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but can I just vote myself Poster Child of 2020, or do I need to wait another month or two?

Now, I’m sure some of you are thinking, “oh bless her heart,” and that is totally fine. Y’all are probably wondering why I didn’t demand another retake since I’ll have this photo for four years. Some of you are probably ready at your keyboard with your sweet comments about how nothing can diminish my real beauty.

Frands. I do not need any of that. All I need in this moment is proper congratulations for pulling of the most ah-mazingly fantastic i.d. photo that has ever existed. I cannot tell you how hard this has made me laugh or how much I genuinely love this photo. I am not lying, I love it.

Guys, drivers license photos are not supposed to be attractive. They’re, by nature, required to make you look like a psychopath and, gang, I. nailed. it. It is the single most wonderful photo that has ever existed of me and I am genuinely tickled to death that I get to keep it for posterity.

Y’all, can you imagine the glee I am going to have every time someone asks to see it?? I am going to cackle laugh every single time. I am going to start buying Robitussin and spray adhesives just so I’ll get carded and have the chance to show that beauty off! Can you foresee how many people I am going to bless with that i.d. photo?? It is such a gift and I am beyond honored to be the recipient of such a treasure.

I seriously sat in my car and laughed until I cried because that photo is so great. And then I sent it to my mom and we both laughed our faces off over it. Gosh, it is the absolute best.

So anyway, that’s my Monday and I’m thinking it went super well. Zero complaints, only compliments on my glamour shot from here forward, thankyouverymuch.

Speaking of which, I think in four years when I go to take another photo, I’m going to curate an actual glamour shot look. Like, how great would it be for me to show up in the studded leather jacket/biker hat combo? Or take my i.d. photo in an off the shoulder feather boa?? There are so many options and I know it’ll take a while to narrow it all down. Thank goodness I’ve got four years to plan!

Fashion Blogger

Welp, it’s been a minute hasn’t it? I don’t know how I’m suddenly so busy except to say that I’ve decided that it’s finally time for me to pursue my true calling in life and embrace my identity as fashion blogger.

I know what you’re thinking. “Mary Susan,” you think. “You’ve always been known as an international fashion icon! Whatever can you have up your obscenely fashionable sleeve??”

Well, let me just tell you what’s up. I feel as though my entire life has been leading me to this moment, a moment in which so many seemingly unrelated paths have converged resulting in a cataclysmic realization of my true calling as uber fashionable fashion person.

I mean…the fact that we’re in a global pandemic, giving me more time to focus on my looks, combined with the fact that one person on the internet told me that I should definitely do more how-to, instructional type posts ought to be enough confirmation for anyone that this is who I am now.

And so I begin. Ahem.


We currently find ourselves in a time of social isolation and many moderately attractive women are completely throwing in the towel! Is it acceptable to toss fashion to the wayside simply because we never leave our homes, never see humans aside from those we spewed forth from our loins, never have an occasion for dressing up??? I submit that it is both not acceptable and unacceptable.

Certainly, we are compelled to admit that times have changed and thus, fashion must change as well. Take me, for example. I have absolutely, 100% not at all let my looks go just because of a silly little pandemic. No, ma’am. I have merely adapted to the “new normal” as they say and have upgraded my normal “chic mom about town” look to a more relaxed “chic mom about house” vibe. Tres chic.

Here’s how to achieve this look in a few hundred simple steps:

First you’re going to want to be really sporadic about hygiene. Now is the time to go aaaalll natural and embrace the primitive essence of our ancestors. This means that if you do shower daily, you need to keep in mind that time in the shower is time away from your offspring and you certainly wouldn’t want that. At the very least, try to make sure that you don’t wash your hair. Just hit the important spots and get out of there asap before a kid gets out the glue again.

Now, some might argue that letting go of hygiene is literally the opposite of what I just said about not throwing in the towel. But let me remind you that we are playing the long game here. We’re going for wow-factor and impact, so setting the bar low for a while is important. Also, not showering allows you to literally not throw the towel in the laundry, thus saving some time for other more important pursuits like binge watching Schitt’s Creek (because ironic fashionistas do not watch Tiger King like commoners, thankyouverymuch.)

Okay, so the moment you shower, people will notice. I, for one, had not released my hair from a greasy ponytail for at least a fortnight. I showered yesterday, strode into my living room like a queen, and the people practically applauded.

When choosing an ensemble like the one above, here are some tips and tricks:

  • Pair your oldest, nastiest, holey-est (not holiest, save those for Sunday) pair of leggings with some slippers that smell like death are are also falling apart. They have these at Wal-Mart and sometimes come with the smell built right in. Voila!
  • Combine that with a dressed up top such as a doula t-shirt that reads, “Your worth is not measured in centimeters.” It’s both true and everyone knows that a good cervical dilation reference is all the fashion these days.
  • Next, throw on a cardigan because layering.
  • Now, you have the option of make up at this point. I personally just like to *think* about putting on make up. I find that the mere thought of make up is enough to flush the natural pigment of my face, so I just go with that. Either way, follow your heart.
  • Lastly, let that hair be free. Just let it hang all scraggly and limply wet.
  • Also, if you’re going to photograph your look, be sure to really dial in on the artistry of grunge by using a mirror that hasn’t been washed in ages and a cluttered and dusty background. People will think it’s a photo from Vogue and it practically is!

When I revealed this look yesterday, my eldest child literally said to me and I quote, “Wow, Mom! Are you going somewhere?? You look nice!!” Mission. Accomplished. Sassy. Fashion. Snap.

And here’s another note on hair. If you want to attempt to copy me (and who doesn’t) my biggest piece of advice is to let your hair air dry. It’s important to honor the hair and let it choose your fate. Your hair will lead you to fashion, that’s just the honest truth.

Again, I give you an example for to meditate upon. Here I am after letting my beautiful locks air dry while chatting on the phone with a pal about current events. Feast your eyes on the finished product.

I hope these tips and tricks have inspired you to aim for greater levels of beauty in these time of social distance. However, I do want to offer just a word of caution. Guys, we can’t all be me. Some of you are going to have to face facts and understand that natural beauty trumps effort every time. I’m sorry to say that some of you might have a hard time duplicating my looks and I’m immensely disappointed on your behalf. It’s tough to be this gorgeous and, while I’m sad that you’re probably jealous, I guess this is just my cross to bear.

Do let me know what other hard hitting fashion tips you’d like me to cover. I mean, I’m obv an influencer now, so it’s only a matter of time before the requests to do product reviews to start rolling in and I’m swamped with interviews for In-Style and Country Living. So, get those requests in now and I’ll be happy to continue to teach you how to be a fashion maven like moi!

xoxo,

Mary Susan